I have to say at this point that although a lot of what came to pass seemed totally planned and all worked out perfectly, at no time during what happened did we feel anything like in control.
We had expected that due to my age and other factors, conceiving may take longer than it would have if we had been a lot younger. With this in mind then, the first tests that were negative came as little surprise to us: I have to admit though that the first couple brought as much disappointment as failing my motorcycle driving test, and by that I mean I was gutted – not to a point of devastation, but it was like a real kick in the stomach – the taste of failure. What is interesting in retrospect is that we were lucky to never experience the long drawn out months of negative test after negative test. I know that this blog would be very different if we had still been trying.
So it was the third occasion that was elevated from cheap test to proper, all whistles and bells, digital pregnancy tester. My wife (I will call her Willy for the sake of anonymity), had already had two cheap tests show something… and by ‘something’ I mean a faint line of hope. But she was sure. And on that fateful day, just after New Year, we did the water test: together. Disappointment – joy – fear.. whatever the result, we were going to experience this together. And by ‘together’, I mean we held the tester out in front of us with a hand over the little window, and after the required time elapsed, we revealed the words: Pregnant 2-3
As well as being absolutely thrilled with the result, there was a small space in the pit of my stomach that brought to mind the life-changing event before me, along with the lifetime of responsibility that comes with it – the knowledge that life will never be the same and you have to look after someone else other than yourself forever. That was quickly followed only for a second, by dread. Well more like fear – the fear of starting a set of circumstances that are unstoppable… then back to total joy: oh yeah this boy has got it! Silly I know, but as a man, knowing you are packing live rounds makes you puff your chest out just a little more than before.
and then it was time to go back to work… a secret in our chests screaming to be unleashed, but sworn to secrecy until we were sure. We didn’t want to tell everyone and jinx the little life growing inside. It would be a few weeks before we told anyone, but we were smiling to ourselves every day.